Why I May Need God - A Contemplation

From Childhood Belief to Active Atheism

In childhood, during my school days, I didn’t think much about God. I simply participated in temple visits and religious processions because that’s what everyone did. But when I started engineering, I moved toward atheism. I stopped going to temples and questioned the very existence of God. I fully embraced anti-Periyar atheism.

During the COVID pandemic, I was quite active on Facebook, debating and arguing with people about belief in God. I wasn’t just skeptical—I actively mocked religious belief.

Family, Faith, and My Mother’s Bhakti

Despite my atheism, my family never pushed me to believe. When I had pancreatitis, my mom, dad, and family prayed for me. They made commitments at various temples.

My mom is deeply into bhakti, though not in a blind way. Whenever she needs support, feels low, or when the family faces problems, she turns to prayer. We have a family deity that my dad respects, though he’s never been overtly religious either.

When my mom was diagnosed with rheumatic heart disease and we faced other family issues, I managed everything practically. I never thought, “If I can’t handle this, God will help.” I don’t believe that.

Everything is Mechanistic

Whatever happens in our family—success, failure, health, wealth—is mechanistic. You can visibly trace cause and effect.

For example, if you eat 10 spoons of oil or fatty food daily for 60 days, your cholesterol will rise. Continue for six months, and you’ll develop fatty liver and obesity. Keep going, and you’ll lose energy, perform poorly at work, and potentially lose your job.

Everything is mechanistic with its own delay period—sometimes six to twelve months before effects become visible. But it’s all within the realm of what you can directly interact with. Nothing is metaphysical. Everything is biological, physical, transactional. Even happiness is neurological.

A Shift: From Militant Atheism to Acceptance

With this clarity about cause and effect, I realized something: we don’t need to propagate that God doesn’t exist. Going around telling everyone is a waste of time and energy.

I stopped worrying about others’ beliefs. I just tell people not to stress too much about religion. When my mom asks why I don’t come to the temple or pray properly, even when I do go, I don’t perform the rituals earnestly. When we went on pilgrimage before I came to America, I participated but without devotion.

The Draw of Tamil Literature and Folklore Gods

Here’s where things get interesting. Irrespective of my belief in God, I’ve always read Tamil literature and hymns about gods because they bring me calmness. I genuinely enjoy the music, words, and meanings.

Since college, I’ve read extensively about cultural practices, different deities, and especially the demigods of rural areas. I’m fascinated by how these practices connect across regions.

South India has a unique tradition of folklore gods and demigods that North India lacks. From North Kerala to South Karnataka, the old Mysore region to rural Maharashtra and Andhra Pradesh, you find common beliefs and practices that aren’t institutionalized. These are organic traditions influenced by different communities over time.

I wanted to understand why people need something like God. Why do we worship, pray, or strive?

God as Something Above Me, Not to Control Me

What am I actually looking for from the entity called God? Something to keep above me—not to control me or demand my complete submission. When I feel void or empty, I look at pictures of deities or listen to devotional songs.

Cumulatively, this gives me a medium to engage beyond materialistic things. I see this as a philosophical exercise, or perhaps a spiritual exercise, rather than a religious one.

Debates with My Mother

My mom and I debate frequently. I point out how people do silly things in God’s name, collect money, and misuse it. These discussions sometimes escalate into arguments, and my mom worries about why I talk this way.

God as Engagement, Not as Giver

I never accept God as giver. I just consider that he or she exists.

When I have nothing in this materialistic world to engage with, when I feel dry, void, or restless, I need something. Not to pray for favors, but as part of a thought process and mindful activity—singing, drawing, listening to good music, or hypothesizing about why God exists and how such concepts emerged.

The Hypothesis of God

The common philosophy: I don’t say God doesn’t exist, but if he or she exists, that’s fine. Everyone has their own definitions and beliefs, but most share a common idea that God creates the universe.

You cannot find any physical or mechanistic connection between God, the universe, and individuals. You can only have a metaphysical or philosophical relationship. It’s an assumption, a hypothesis. With that hypothesis, you feel something is true.

This hypothesis doesn’t work for every situation. You can’t hypothesize that God will save you from fever—fever has a physical cause. But you can hypothesize that thinking about God, saying God’s name, can help you find inner peace.

We Are the Solution

When we raise questions and hypotheses, we name one of them God. People say God will save us, but ultimately we become the medicine, we become the solution.

To make ourselves the solution, we need different hypotheses and beliefs. One such belief is God, though it may not work in all scenarios. Just as believing in yourself doesn’t work all the time, not all beliefs work for all problems.

God as Catalyst and Accelerator

When restlessness arises, or when I feel alone or detached, that issue needs a solution. Again, we are the solution. But to achieve that solution, we need beliefs as an accelerator, as a catalyst.

One such catalyst is belief in God. We believe in ourselves, in our family, in nature. If the solution requires something materialistic or help from other people, then God cannot intervene. The assumption itself doesn’t work. In those cases, we need belief in ourselves or in those other people.

The Core Framework

When there is a problem, we ourselves are the solution. To make that solution happen, to make ourselves become the solution, we need certain beliefs. One such belief is having belief in God.

Sometimes I feel procrastinating, emotionally numb, almost dead as a person. That’s a problem. To overcome it, I need an accelerator—that assumption helps me become the solution.

Engaging with the entity called God becomes the solution here.

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Conclusion: Why I May Need God

Why I may need God: there exist situations where I am the solution. To make my strength work as a solution, I need an assumption or belief. One such assumption or belief is in the entity called God, which I can use when needed.